Love can go in many directions.

Agility and affection

Especially at the beginning of their journey into a polyamorous relationship, many partners lose sight of each other and give too little attention and affection. These new experiences are understandably more exciting than the usual. Evenso, your partner must feel safe in the relationship, feel the affection that makes your relationship special, in order to give you the freedom to experience new things.

Active appreciation

So tell your partner more than usually that you love them and how important they are in your life. Give loving attention and look for everyday touches. This active appreciation and affection is an important reassurance that your relationship is not endangered and that you are constantly connected. If the ‘lack of attention’ complaint is one of your relationship issues, you should be particularly careful on this point.

loyalty

The term loyalty takes on new meaning in open and polyamorous relationships. Loyalty means the agreements made are binding. All partners can be sure that common rules will not be broken. That sounds easier said than done. Perhaps you have certain rituals or habits with your primary partner that you don’t want to share with anyone else; this is how you form intimacy. If your secondary partner makes the same demands from you, you’re bound to break some agreements. This often happens faster than you want. Loyalty to your partner is at risk. In polyamorous relationships, loyalty means being able to trust, rules and agreements will be followed, so that nobody feels hurt or rejected. Each one in the relationship is also responsible for the well-being of the others.

Set limits and pay attention to the speed of development

You always have the right to say stop, even if other arrangements have been made. In certain phases, you may notice that your personal limits have been exceeded and that you can no longer endure situations. Then say stop. This is the first step. Only when you respect your limits the other can hear you. Limits can relate to the design of the relationship, e.g. the number and change of partners or the frequency of encounters. Can you stay outside the house or go on vacation?

The limits can also relate to your personal experience.

How do you deal with it when your partner has sex with someone else for the first time? How does it feel if your desire for sex with three people is not fulfilled? It is essential for the success of a polyamorous relationship to ensure that it can develop at a speed in which everyone involved feels comfortable. Slowness and mindfulness are essential so that the idea does not fail because of your own ideals

Be truthful and tell the truth

In this case, telling the truth means being truthful to yourself and your feelings. We see in this truthfulness an essential part for the success of a polyamorous relationship. Fears of loss, jealousy, self-doubt and anger can occur unexpectedly at any time. If you are silent at these moments, then you are not helping anyone. Talk about the ambivalent feelings and show honestly how you are doing at the moment. This honesty helps the other partner/s to understand you.

show emotional injuries

Everyone will feel sad or hurt in your relationship at some point. When you show others that feelings can be a challenge now and again, you encourage everyone else involved to open up. Difficult feelings are only bad in the moment you experience them. However, there is enormous development potential here for the maturing of relationships. When you approach each other kindly and compassionately, you will dive deeper into connection and learn to understand each other better.

Promote openness and development

Polyamorous experts and practitioners agree that a polyamorous relationship can only work if everyone involved is open to one another. This does not mean that you have to discuss every single detail with each partner. Nevertheless, you should be in the picture, with whom the partner cultivates friendships, with whom he shares intimacy and what is important to him in the respective relationship. It is precisely this openness that makes the difference to people who rather cheat on their partner, or who do not communicate their needs at all, for self-protection–or to protect the other. Even if these strategies work for a while, this really has nothing to do with polyamory.

Be lenient with yourself and others

When people enter into an intimate relationship with each other, there are always strong feelings. Very often you think that you know yourself. And yet things can happen that completely surprise you and that you have never experienced before. In polyamorous relationships, couples are more likely to reach their limits and behave incorrectly. When you experience this, first of all you are asked to be lenient with yourself. Do not put yourself under pressure to do everything right, but instead invest time and attention in opportunities to speak openly and work together on solutions. Every problem and every mistake is an opportunity that your relationships can grow and become stable.

Plan, but stay flexible

Most people live in a tight corset of work, hobbies and friends. Time is therefore an important factor that also expresses value that you want to give to someone. Joint planning and agreements are important so that everyone feels valued. For a functioning common structure, it is also important to remain flexible. If someone is going through a difficult phase, you should be able to respond to each other and adapt agreements, that is, to support the partner in a targeted manner. Polyamorous relationships are not companies where everything should be done no matter how the parties are. Support each other and be considerate of your partner. You too will need each other’s warmth and empathy.

Communication and integrity

The component that holds all the points described so far together is called communication. What do we mean by that? Learn to listen: A conversation often fails because you are not listening to the other person. Open your mind and heart with the intention to understand as much as possible from each other. How can this be done?

Here are two effective tips:

1) Arrange a certain speaking time during which the other person will not be interrupted. This gives the speaker the space to speak about himself without haste or resistance. Before answering, ask questions. This gives you clarity and a differentiated picture.

2) When you answer, talk about what you heard and what it does to you. In this way, a dialogue is created that is not characterized by speculative allegations and pre-prepared opinions, but responds to what the other party is saying.

Communication is a difficult and shrouded area. However, you can practice and learn the basis for successful communication. We recommend two methods here: Controlled dialog and the model of non-violent communication. In our consultations we see that people who master these forms of communication have a better prerequisite to address problems in their relationships and to change them.

integrity

To ensure that your polyamorous relationship works in the long term and that everyone involved is happy, you need a high level of integrity. Stand by your word and keep what you promise. It is not just about little things in everyday life, but also about big promises that you have given each other. If you said to your partner that you want to stay with him for the rest of your life, stick to it. That doesn’t mean that you can’t fall in love again over the years. Enjoy the excitement and the butterflies in your stomach, but don’t forget your primary partner about all the endorphins. Let the new happiness flow into your existing partnerships so that everyone involved can benefit from the fresh wind.

How polyamory can succeed

Be honest with everyone

If you want to have a lasting polyamorous relationship, all people involved must communicate honestly with each other. Discuss with whom your partner has sex or maintains intimate friendships.

Make joint decisions.

When making important decisions, you should always involve your primary partner. This is the only way to create a trusting relationship in which you can rely on one another and do not offend each other. Do not present the partner with a fait accompli, but talk in advance about what you are going to do.

Support the partner

A polyamorous relationship offers plenty of room for growth. It is normal for feelings like jealousy or fear of loss to arise. Show understanding for this and do not judge your partner for it. It is important that you as a couple take care of each other and support each other.

Make clear agreements

This does not mean rigid rules that restrict or limit the partner from fear of loss. But at the beginning of an opening it is important that you understand what your needs are. Perhaps there are limits at this early stage that you don’t want to go beyond. The more clearly you formulate what you need and what you want, the more satisfied you are in your relationship.

Talk about difficult feelings too

Do not eat jealousy, envy or fear of loss, but tell your partner what is going on in you. It is important to speak in a clear first person perspective and not to blame the partner. Take responsibility for your feelings, but communicate yourself. You will see that this opening creates great closeness and solidarity.

Set limits and stick to them

Be clear about your own limits and communicate them. Do not sacrifice yourself for your partnership just so that your partner is doing well. Limits help you to be free in your decisions. Rules, on the other hand, exercise power over the partner’s decisions.

Be Integral

This includes adhering to things that you have agreed to do. You can only trust yourself if you can rely on each other.

Don’t open yourself to everyone

Before engaging in a secondary relationship, you should discuss with your partner which values ​​are important to you. Everyone involved needs to know exactly what role they are in the relationship. It is important that potential secondary partners have a polyamorous background so that no problems arise. For example, it would not be integrity if a partner chose someone who was in a monogamous relationship and cheated on their partner.

Show solidarity

Whenever possible, you should make contact with other people in your partner’s life. It is better to get to know the person with all of their strengths and weaknesses than to worry about what a great person – and therefore what a threat – that may be. You may even like the person. By acting in solidarity, you also relieve your partner and take a big step to ensure that your mutual love grows and the polyamorous relationship works.

Conclusion

For a polyamorous relationship to work, it is important that everyone involved knows about the other partner (s). Of course, consensus is also crucial. This means that everyone has volunteered for this special form of relationship. Last but not least, there has to be a certain perspective, that is, all the people involved are allowed to grow and develop. If a polyamorous relationship is to succeed, a high level of willingness to communicate and the ability to resolve conflicts are required. You have to be ready to work constantly on your partnership and to reflect on yourself again and again. If you have the courage to open your relationship, you will develop to a great extent.

Sexual problems can occur in any relationship.

There is a solution for every sexual problem.